Friday morning I woke with the feeling the world was on my shoulders couldn’t put my finger on it , usually were up and in good sprints and ready to leave by 8 am .
And let’s face it , even the waltons had an odd off day , we’re the same sometimes Oscar refuses to get dressed , some days he refuses to be taken out of his cot and will attack me , my middle child remembers a 19 part homework that’s due today! but Friday he woke happy , got dressed fine, took his meds fine , ate his breakfast fine and we were more than ready to leave, everyone was happy , but something was bugging me I couldn’t shake it off , and it feels like it happened to someone else now, but I had a meltdown ! STOP! STOP THE RIDE I WANT TO GET OFF! it was a scary moment it took over , I just felt I could run away and not care , I suddenly felt overwhelmed with the responsibility on me as an Autism mum, a mum a wife,and then I thought of the days were I’m on my knees, but I find the strength to carry on ,but today no issues, you wouldn’t even know we had an Autism child who rules in the house!!!!!but yet I felt invisible !!! invisible to my other two kids,Invisible to my husband, so many things I do are so hard but it’s me ,just me and in that moment, it felt as if , although I’m needed they don’t see me!
In truth that isn’t right at all , as my family cherish me, I know that and I don’t normally feel separated from my family, but on this morning I did! I’ve blogged before about how amazing my other children are and they really are .
Once it was out ,and it was a real diva strop a few tears some unaudiable talk crying , I was ok , I spent the day texting my kids making sure they were ok as , there’s one thing I’m mindful to never do ,and that’s besto the worry of an adult on a Childs shoulders ,but this one time, they saw me , I made them, and although it upset them, I’m kind of glad as it’s an important lesson to learn I think, in life that mums are human they do have a limit , all was well by the start of school and in truth I think we all needed it , it reminded them that I might be thick skinned but I’m not superhuman .
Ive been trying to put my finger on the catylist and I’ve come to this conclusion , pent up deep routed stress , we had a very short week due to oscars two days at home following a seizure, the routine was out of sync , we gave unspoken worry about oscars upcoming scan which has built up ,and I’ve let myself get a bit run down , which is a good reminder for me to not paper over the cracks and fake happiness .
I think we all need that every now and again , that stop I’m not ok limit ,it brings truth , we are such a busy family with three kids ,all at different stages , and we juggle a lot and I think Friday is a good talking point for being more mindful of each other , if you care about each other , then look after each other’s feelings .
Just another lesson for us all as part of an Autism family , which will make us stronger if we are honest about our feelings Supporting the cause is one thing but supporting each other is everything
