I’ve not blogged for a while, Lockdown one I lost my mojo, Lockdown tier system was awful and my eldest who lives away from home had Covid, and now Lockdown 3 has brought me a full nest so I’m ready to blog again, not because I’m feeling ok about any of this , but because I can sleep a little easier knowing all my kids are under my roof in these worrying times , and sleep is the fuel behind this blog !!!!!!
let’s talk about male privilege, Daddys rights? The unspoken rules! I’m fully aware there are Dads who take on full time caring roles and are really involved and they do an amazing job I salute them , they just don’t live in my house !!! , this isn’t a sexist blog at all and these are my views based on my truth .
We are in my view a modern family , we’re equal , Brendans great with the kids really hands on, really in tune with needs , happy to help in any situation but there’s one thing that I’ve noticed and that’s sleep! There’s no compromise with it, if Oscars awake at night time he just won’t offer to let me sleep instead !!! It’s not even deliberate it just goes without saying that he sleeps, last night I go to bed at 1130, Oscar wakes despite me being seriously quiet!
I’ve even mastered his baby gate to rest on my foot and hold the mechanism so it doesn’t even click, but he woke up !!!!!as i got into bed , this rarely happens so I decided to put the tv on quietly and watch him through the monitor for any sign of seizure activity, usually it’s sitting bolt upright rubbing of ears, usually crying as he’s wet it’s more like an empty not just a leak , and then I go straight in but he was awake like fully awake!! giggling , reading, playing !
As Bren gets into bed , I casually said , Oscars awake , without even saying anything no acknowledgement and he did bloody here me , he turned over fell asleep within seconds!!!!! and was snoring , I did wack him a few times but I was so annoyed and I thought to myself it actually goes without saying that he sleeps and I don’t !!! Is this the scenario for All Dads?! ,they get a hall pass for most of the hard stuff ? Why is that? If we are equal? Are we really? Yes it’s easier for mum to deal with the child throwing up! The really bad poo explosion? The awake child? Until 3.45 am !!!!! when then I have to wake at 645 to make sure medications are done, and the other children are ready to log on for 8.30 am, and I think to myself do we as mums create that so we keep control??
If so we’re not equal in parenting ? Is it because Oscar prefers me ? Does he only prefer me because I’ve always done these things?
I’m not writing this to put brendan down at all it’s more about the roles we create , we want to be equal on paper but in reality, do we as mums need to be needed more? so we lead ? , meaning we have created that role for ourselves ?
I decided to raise the issue with Brendan about male ( Daddy) privilege, and in truth he hasn’t thought about it, he agreed, it’s a natural progression as our roles as parents, that we have created over time, that now go without saying , I take the hard situations!!!! it’s just what we do naturally we have gender stereotyped ourselves to a point , he works, I care full time, I cook, he cleans up the garden does the bins and it sucks , how did we get here?
I’ve never thought about it until he got into bed and just went to sleep without giving a shit!
We need to be so careful about our roles and what we take over, as it may come back to haunt you in learning , Autistic children get used to routines very quickly, if daddy started doing OScars morning routine he would wonder why , and I’ve always liked to do it , so in truth it is my own fault , I’ve never stopped Brendan but he’s also not offered !
I totally get the point that he works hard I’m at home , but I think we all understand how challenging the care role is ,especially in lockdown , caring alone is exhausting and challenging and lonely, to not get a decent nights sleep ontop of that is insulting ,and to have to get up first too, you have no idea how tempted I was to give him a kick in the Willy before I got out of bed ,but I did look at it from another perspective , I have created this situation for myself and wether we like it or not in my view Dads do get shut out of those early routines mums use as bonding time, then routine forms and before you know it your begrudging him getting a full nights sleep when your not , you have listened to your child through the monitor get excited and repeating the same ‘hello chloe let’s go on an adventure for what feels like all night!!!!’ I got up my legs hurt they ache so bad, I wasn’t rested and I just hated him, not personally but his role I just for that moment hated the fact he could switch off and go to sleep and still lay there in the morning still sleeping, and to top it off he was snoring , which is basically showing off while sleeping in my book .
To sum this up , in my view there is such thing as male privilege, defo in this house and I wanted to blog about it because I know others relate .
So we had the chat and as pay back I refused to cook dinner and I left all the toys unusually clean up after I taken oscar to bed just to prove a point, and while he cleaned up I heard him say is it this messy everyday? I just replied that’s what fun looks like , I’ve had a face pack, I’ve had a takeaway, I’ve had an early ish night and I’m feeling about even ! If he wakes tonight it’s defo Daddy’s turn.
So many people deal with long term sleep deprivation with no support anywhere in sight so in many ways I am grateful it is rare in my house but it impacts on so many things and is overlooked I feel by professionals , consider the idea that lack of sleep is used as a form of torture!
I posted a picture of how tired I was on a few forums tonight as I know other parents relate and I feel it’s important to keep it real at the moment .
