I’ve been struggling to begin this post as the last thing I want to do is write a pity blog, that said I do want to be as honest as possible about my life, my journey as a mum of three, it’s not all roses
I’ve noticed I’m becoming run down and need to take care of myself more ,nobody is super human and it can creep up on you, only sometimes you have to take your own advice and take-time to reflect and think what do I need? To carry on as we are?
The fuel for Born Anxious drives me and I feel a celebration of our Autism awareness, advocacy our journey what we have learned and sharing that with others and building our support army, I feel is our reward alongside the progress Oscar is steadily making in his social and emotional progress , it is the other Side if all of this, outside Autism that has me downtrodden ,I do now feel that being Autism siblings has set my older two in good stead to be more accommodating and adaptable people, however I do also feel there both a bit too self sufficient emotionally and maybe over the years have developed too much resilience, it’s something all children that have siblings on the spectrum face,.
I think they do ,no matter what you do ,have a different journey to other kids, with more emotional ties and less freedom, and I do feel at 18 Orla has developed into such a beautiful person.
Lorcan at 12 I feel really needs our approval he’s such a kind child and he does deserve things to just be about him sometimes ,and I’m going to register him as a young carer I feel he deserves that and the support it brings, he has been enjoying the few hours a week Oscar has his PA come because it means he can have done one to one ,
For me being sole carer for Oscar most of the time as his daddy works full time mostly in London, it is easier for me to take lead manage appointments and medicate him take him to private therapy and deal with any school issues, you may feel that’s selfish but it’s very hard to be consistent any other way which Oscar responds better to ,and honestly I need that control, Oscars Autism manifests in an unpredictable manner then we add in Epilepsy and extreme anxiety and it’s overbearing.
Brendan doesnt manage stress very well, which Oscar can pick up on or being rushed and when your in the middle of a 50 hour week with a pressured job, it makes sense for me to take the lead, Oscar enjoys his time with Daddy and we really do include him in the routines we have when he is here, it’s not ideal but it’s how we work, I know in some families both are carers but we really are not at that stage yet and if we were !!!! Well I think considering we are both so independent it wouldn’t end well
We have been together 23 years married 15 years and share a few different projects together ,but we are very well established in our own lives , we do not live in each other’s pockets , and this might seem unusual for some couples but for us it works we are solid , Autism can be very intense we both have strengths in parenting and use them to balance we have a group of friends together , we also have each our own friendships we maintain, I feel this is vital to keep your identity and not become one person you can retain a level of respect that way, we’re not perfect , who is? But we somehow work , it’s not what we planned but I think we are better people together rather than separately, some will relate to this, some won’t but that’s ok. It works here.
Having Autism in our lives makes us , we were a bit shallow before as a couple , we do disagree sometimes but we always consider each other’s point of view and consider the older two children’s views as equals , Friday nights are family meet night we get a Chinese takeaway and celebrate the week and discuss anything on anyone’s mind , sundays it’s family time again from around 4 we have roast dinner, set our plan for the week enjoy each other’s company and recharge, both events are now our ritual and I hope in my heart that once the children are grown we will keep at least the Sunday 4 pm at home, don’t you dare miss it kind of thing , I do love this, it’s kind of just grown into a thing on its own, and I know my older two kids take a lot from it , they also love a roast dinner .❤️
So the point of this blog is to log how I’m feeling at this stage finding balance that my life, feels a bit hyjacked! I’ve got two older children that are now not really needing me as much as I need them, and the opposite of that is we also have one child who won’t allow us to breath at points. .
whilst remembering that I once had a life plan, remembering who I am , not this exhausted person who finds it easier to advocate for everyone else and not herself and not to allow the mum guilt to take over so much , I don’t want to create a life of just people needing me when they need stuff but unwilling to share the small things it makes me feel invisible, I know that’s parenting teenagers it’s not personal ,so in short I just think I’m gutted my kids are getting bigger , I have to be proud of them both there amazing ,and I’m also smug that regardless of age, Oscar will always need me that bit more , that’s one plus is special parents get , an abundance of love , what we have to do is keep a healthy body and mind to make sure we are always ready to be consistent with the care , so when I say don’t create a life your invisible in I’m probably meaning , slow down don’t always be busy , don’t always be the mum on a mission and just be yourself , being busy and being stressed are not the same thing, many forget this, it is ok to put your needs in the mix ,because what I’m realising that that is , whether your a mum or a dad if you take the role of main carer, you are the linch pin, your duty bound to look after yourself, keep healthy, get vaccinated from flu, keep a healthy mind, take time to relax, and personally I really need to live until 107.
I have some heavy heart moments to come this year with Orla leaving to go to university and our house faces a different set up ,as she reaches independence it’s going to take all my strength to let her go and I really feel actually sad about it , I’m so proud of her but I will be lost without her and I will have two little boys here who will be looking for her , I refuse to be negative in what is in my control, so we will celebrate her taking her first steps and reform a different routine as a family ,
We are also preparing for Oscars further assessments this year into his seizures , which I know will be stressful , I’m feeling I will have to freeze my heart from July until probably next year just to get through , it’s hard not to make those things about you, as it affects me but it isn’t about me , and health over heart .
I’m determined not to be invisible in my family and take time to make sure I have the strength to get this next bit right , I arrange everything but do not always attend, it’s hard to see pictures knowing you were held back , I need to work on that for myself, truth be told it’s easy to get into the habit of being home managing Oscar and too easy for everyone to expect you to be ok with it.
And mostly I am but this year I’m going to start letting my control of the unknown go a little and let Daddy do more, he can and I trust him it’s just such a big responsibility I have carried solely for so long, but if I want to be part of the next big change and be present I must find a way .
Mostly I will be continuing my Autism awareness and keeping very busy with born anxious but this year i am going to be giving myself a little check every now and again and if something’s a miss ,I will be jumping on it , identify the need and apply before I Reach crisis, for me honestly is everything even if it’s hard.
I’m very open about my Autism journey and how rich and equally amazing it is for all of us.
So in a nut shell I’m self preserving, drum banging, advocating and mumming in 2020 spreading kindness with no time for any meanies❤️ If you join the Be Kind army you need to remember that the message applies to yourself too.❤️
